Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
