you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
