Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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