This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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