Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
