are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
