Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
