I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
