2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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