Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
