She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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