My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
