Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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