she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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