Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Of course I have a pirate flag
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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