apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
