and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
