WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Less talking, more tequila
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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