Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
