first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
