I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
