she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
