I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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