I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
