shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
