she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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