I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Sorry about my life...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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