My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
