I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
So much rum. So many feels.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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