I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
