My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
