I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
