Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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