I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
