Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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