so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
