my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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