Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
