I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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