I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I smell like Dick and happiness
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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