i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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