Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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