Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
