He asked to "fluff my boner.."
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
