I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
