I'm going to jail i love you
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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