party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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