gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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