maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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