Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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