my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
