i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
